Swordbird Parodies
by Peregrinefalcon47
Summary: A few parodies based on Nancy Yi Fan's "Swordbird". Really, I couldn't believe it when I first came onto Fanfiction and found there weren't any Fanfics for it. Well, I guess I'll be the first. Mocks, er, talks about the book and its wonders. Rated K plus.
1. Introduction

Disclaimer: I do not own Nancy Yi Fan's Swordbird or Sword Quest.

**Swordbird Parodies**

_Introduction_

You may or may not have heard about these books. They've been on the New York's Bestseller list for a few weeks, yet I haven't seen a single Fanfic of them on the site. The books are Swordbird and Sword Quest, two books in a series written by Nancy Yi Fan.

Why are these books remarkable? The author, Fan, wrote Swordbird when she was twelve years old. Twelve years old. Can you imagine writing a full length fantasy novel at twelve years old?

The second book, Sword Quest, was written after Swordbird, when Fan was fourteen. However, the book is technically a prequel to Swordbird.

So what are Swordbird and Sword Quest about? The titles say it all. Swordbird is set in a fantasy forest, where birds, namely blue-jays, cardinals, robins, and other songbirds, once lived in peace and harmony. However, an evil hawk lord has moved into the forest with his army of crows and ravens, and has begun construction on a massive fortress. The hawk lord, Lord Turnatt, seeks to take over the entire forest and enslave the blue-jays and cardinals.

Here is where the swords come in.

There are two native tribes of birds in the forest. The Bluewingle tribe consists of blue-jays, while the Sunrise tribe consists of cardinals. In order to easily take over the forest, Turnatt goes on a series of raids, plundering the two tribes of food stores and eggs, while leaving the evidence to look like the opposing tribe committed the crime. The plan works, and the two tribes, once close, begin fighting each other, ignoring Turnatt and his fortress.

I don't want to spoil the story for anyone who wants to read the book, so I'll keep this synopsis short. A blue-jay named Aska finds out about the fortress and returns to her tribe to warn them about Turnatt. However, Turnatt's army is too powerful for even the combined forces of the Sunrise and Bluewingle tribes. The only chance in defeating him lies in summoning the Swordbird, a mythical hero that is the namesake of the book. To summon him, Aska and her new robin friend Miltin must travel to Miltin's tribe, the Waterthorn tribe, because they have a Leasorn gem, a gem that is required to summon the Swordbird. After a trip through the mountains and back, Aska returns with the gem in time for the final battle…

Sword Quest, the prequel to Swordbird, delves further into the history of the Swordbird world, and explains how the Swordbird came to be. I'll explain Sword Quest later, when (or if) I write "Sword Quest Parodies".

Well, I believe this should suffice as a good introduction. Now, let's take a look at some of the parodies of Nancy Yi Fan's Swordbird, shall we?


	2. Swords, bows, and arrows

**Peregrinefalcon47**: Hi. Peregrinefalcon47 here. Nancy Yi Fan's Swordbird is a truly amazing book, but there are several strange and funny things in the book. Here are some of those things.

Let's begin with the very staple of the book: the swords.

Observe the following scene:

_It's an early morning in Stone-run Forest_ (that's the forest where Swordbird is set)_. A few cardinals are flying through the tree trunks. They land on a tree branch with their long, gleaming swords at their sides. They're waiting for a straggler, a young cardinal, who hurriedly flies toward them, panting hard. He drops on the branch, exhausted._

_"Man," he says between breaths, "how do you…carry…these swords? They're so…heavy!"_

_An older cardinal slowly shakes his head. "You'll get used to it," he says._

**Pf47**: Or will he?

You see, here's an illogical aspect of Swordbird. The birds are carrying swords with them in flight, and are fighting with them. The thing about birds is that they must be extremely light in order to fly. That's why their bones are hollow, so they can reduce weight.

If you add on a dead-weight like a sword, the birds should barely be able to fly. They should be like the poor young cardinal, struggling to stay aloft with such a heavy weapon strapped to them.

Here's a comparison to something more realistic. In K. A. Applegate's Animorphs series, Rachael, the girl with the massive bald eagle morph, is the one who carries the pocket watch to help the team keep track of time. Why her? Her giant eagle morph is the only one that is large enough to carry a weight as light as a pocket watch. A pocket watch. If you're wearing a watch while reading this, take it off and weigh it in your hand. Yep, that little amount of weight is already enough to bog down a bald eagle with a six-foot wingspan.

Considering this fact, it'll be even harder for these smaller cardinals to carry something like a sword. The way I see it, one of two things could happen.

The first is that all the birds can barely fly with the heavy swords. Heck, they should barely even be able to stand with those things tied to them.

Let's turn on real life physics for the rest of the cardinal team and see what happens.

_The young cardinal is still trying to catch his breath. Suddenly, all five cardinals—including the young one—drop to the branch. They're trapped, stuck down by the weight of their swords._

_"Augh," says a female, "my wing! It's crushed!"_

_"Ow, what the—"_

_"Oomph!"_

_"Ahh! This sword…it's too heavy," says the older cardinal._

_"My wing!"_

_The young cardinal looks up at the downed older cardinal. "You see what I mean, now?" he asks._

_The older cardinal looks around in surprise at his trapped team. "It's as if gravity suddenly doubled. No, tripled."_

_"My wing! Owwww…" moans the female cardinal_.

**Pf47**: Ouch. Not pretty.

The alternative to this is that the swords are nothing but toothpicks. Or, they weigh as much as toothpicks. This could be possible if the birds had access to strong, light steel.

The only problem is that this would happen.

_Lord Turnatt and a group of his crows are pillaging the Bluewingle tribe's village. Turnatt is perched on a tree branch, proudly overseeing the destruction, when a brave blue-jay comes at him, sword ready._

_"Go away, Turnatt! This is Bluewingle territory!" he screams, before slicing down with the sword._

_The light sword rebounds of Turnatt. It's not heavy enough to do damage._

_This doesn't deter the blue-jay, who slashes two more times at the hawk. On the third slash, the sword breaks in two. Without his weapon, the blue-jay looks up at his towering opponent in fear._

_Turnatt shakes his head. "Pathetic."_

**Pf47**: A sword that is too light or thin will snap or break easily. If at first it doesn't break, it will still hardly do any damage. This is similar to the broadswords of medieval Europe. The swords were huge, hulking blades. They needed to be, in order to cut through armor and hurt the enemy.

There's one other thing about the swords. Where in the world did the birds get them?

**Aska**: That's classified information, Peregrinefalcon47.

**Pf47**: Classified? Since when?

**Aska**: Since you came onto Fanfiction and started blabbering about our tribes. Some things need to be kept secret for our safety, you know.

**Pf47**: Safety? Stone-run's been peaceful ever since Turnatt was defeated. Besides, there are thousands of fans who want to know more about you guys.

(pauses with a thoughtful look)

And why are you in this room? You're Aska, from Swordbird. You aren't supposed to exist in this world.

**Aska**: What in Swordbird is that supposed to mean!?

(Pf47 turns away from the angered blue-jay, who continues to berate him about his previous statement)

**Pf47**: Anyway, back to the matter at hand. As far as I could tell, there was never any mention of a forge or blacksmith where the birds could have made their weaponry. It's as if one morning they woke up to suddenly find shiny, steel swords lying around them. What, did Swordbird send the blades from Skyland?

Without any sort of forge or blacksmith, there's no logical explanation as to how the birds obtained their blades. However, it's possible that they could have made their bows and arrows.

The bow and arrow didn't appear too often in the book, as the book portrayed swords as the main weapon of choice. Still, there were instances where the bow and arrow did appear. (There was one sketch in Swordbird of a cardinal holding a small bow and arrow.)

As long as they could find good wood and string, the birds could quite possibly have made efficient, even deadly bows and arrows. Arrowheads could be collected from the forest floor (the forest is called Stone-run, isn't it?). As for fletching, well, they could've used their own feathers for the job if nothing else.

**Flame-back**: Hey! Watch that mouth of yours.

**Pf47**: What? It could technically work, right?

**Flame-back**: Well, I guess…

**Aska**: Really, Peregrine? That is just sickening!

**Pf47**: Whatever, Aska.

The bows and arrows were good, but you know what would make a better ranged weapon? Chu-ko-nu crossbows. These crossbows were invented in ancient China, and were special because they were "repeating crossbows". Unlike conventional crossbows, chu-ko-nu's didn't need to be reloaded after each shot. Several bolts were placed inside it at once. When the archer fired one bolt, he only needed to pull the drawstring back before he could fire a second bolt. In a way, these crossbows were fired like guns: you pull back after each shot, and after using up a "magazine", you placed more bolts into the crossbow.

Imagine how this could have helped the Sunrise and Bluewingle tribes…

_A blue-jay is perched on a high branch with a chu-ko-nu in her claws. Opposite her is a makeshift target. Another blue-jay is perched near the target._

_"Okay, remember, hold it up to your chest, pull the string back, and release to fire. Got it?" asks the blue-jay near the target._

_"Don't worry, I got it!" yells the female blue-jay, a bit overeager._

_"Fire when ready," replies her friend._

_The blue-jay levels the crossbow, pulls the drawstring, and fires. The bolt whizzes past the trees and hits the third ring of the target._

_"Alright, that was—"_

_"Awesome! This thing is cool!" yells the blue-jay. She pulls the drawstring back repeatedly and begins firing bolts everywhere._

_"Hey! Aim before you fire! You're gonna kill me," screams the other blue-jay, who ducks behind the target for protection. He barely dodges a bolt that imbeds itself five inches deep in a nearby tree._

_The female blue-jay finally runs out of bolts. Breathing hard, she yells to her hidden friend, "Let's do that again!"_

_The other blue-jay groans from behind the target. Why did he even consider letting her use the chu-ko-nu?_

**Pf47**: Ah, yes, it would have been much better. Oh, and guys? Remember: think twice before you let your girl friends have a go with the crossbow. Or pistol. Or shotgun. Believe me, I've seen plenty of bruised female faces from shooting the weapon wrong. I guess there's just something that girls don't get about crossbows and guns—

**Aska**: I heard that, Peregrine!

**Flame-back**: She has good ears, falcon.

**Pf47**: Yeah, I've noticed.


	3. Cody and Aska

**Pf47**: So then. We've discussed some of the weaponry of Swordbird, namely swords, bows, and arrows. Now, let's move on to some of the characters—

**Aska**: Ooh, does that mean it's my turn to talk?

**Pf47**: —a few of which you've met already. Since she's so excited about speaking, why don't we start with Aska? She is the main protagonist of the story.

**Aska**: Yaaaaaaaaay! So what should I start with, hmm? Let's see…Stone-run, my tree, Cody—

**Flame-back**: Say, where is Cody?

**Pf47**: I'm not sure, but while we're on the topic, we should start with him and Aska.

To tell you the truth, I was pretty surprised when Cody and Aska got together at the end of the book. For the most part, Cody was a side character in the story. All he really did was help the Bluewingle tribe defend against Turnatt. In addition, there wasn't a lot of initial romance between the two birds. The closest thing I saw of Cody showing his love for Aska was when he gave her the rose before she left for the Waterthorn tribe.

With Miltin the robin.

If anything, I thought Aska was going to pair with Miltin. The blue-jay and robin seemed to be very compatible right from the start, when Aska first met Miltin while he was still imprisoned in Fortress Glooming (that's Turnatt's fortress, which was never completed). After he escaped the fortress, Miltin stayed with Aska in the Bluewingle tribe. He accompanied her in her perilous journey through the mountains to the Waterthorn tribe, where he eventually died.

**Aska**:…

**Pf47**: Aska? I thought you wanted to talk.

**Flame-back**: No, leave her be. She's still a bit sensitive about Miltin.

See, the thing is, she and Miltin could never have become a pair for two reasons. One is the unfortunate, premature death of Miltin in the Waterthorn village. The other is that, well, Aska's a blue-jay and Miltin's a robin. Sure, the two could have stayed together if they truly wanted to, but for a married couple, they would be very strange.

In addition, they wouldn't be able to have chicks.

**Pf47**: True. By the way, you brought up another thing about Cody and Aska.

**Flame-back**: Marriage? How's that strange? Don't you humans do it too?

**Pf47**: Yeah, because we're humans. You guys are birds. Because of that, you aren't supposed to marry. You're supposed to mate with each other.

**Flame-back**: I don't see a difference. It's just terminology. I guess birds and humans have similar views of love.

**Pf47**: Okay. I can…possibly…see that.

Anyway, the point is that Cody and Aska make a very random pair, the primary reason being that Cody hadn't shown too deep of affection for Aska in the book. However, a few of my inside sources have confirmed several stories about Cody's love for Aska. I guess these stories never made it into the book. Here's one such story.

_The meadow is peaceful and quiet. Suddenly, there's a loud roar. Cody bursts into the meadow with a red rose in his beak. There's a massive bear chasing him along the ground, occasionally swiping for the fleeing blue-jay._

_"No! Go away, bear. This is for Aska!" Cody yells to the bear._

_The bear roars again and keeps chasing him._

_The chase continues for a good ten minutes before Cody realizes he could have just flown straight into the sky, leaving the bear behind on the ground. He does so, feeling a bit foolish that he didn't think of the idea earlier. At least no bird would know about the incident and his plain stupidity…_

**Pf47**: Alas, we would know about what happened. But this isn't saying that Cody's dumb, though his choice of action wasn't exactly the smartest. Instead, this goes to show how far a guy will go to impress the girl of his dreams.

**Aska**: Cody never told me that story before.

(Flame-back laughs)

**Flame-back**: I don't think he ever will.

**Pf47**: Well, incidents aside, Cody really loved Aska—

**Aska**: He still loves me today!

**Pf47**: —and nothing shows that more than Cody and Aska's wedding day.

**Aska**: Yaaaaaaay! My wedding day! I always wanted to tell this part of the story.

So, um, our wedding day was on May 1st, 2007. It was absolutely GORGEOUS that day; the sun was out, the trees were all green, the meadows all had flowers. So yeah, um, we got married at the Bluewingle home tree, right at the top crown of the tree, directly beneath that beautiful sky. So we, um, each said our oaths, and we got married! Isn't that just soooooooo romantic? Yeah, and after that, we had a great feast, the Flying Willowleaf Theater was there again, and they danced and sang and played music through the entire thing. It was so great!

(Aska sighs in remembrance of her wedding day)

**Pf47**: Mmm-hmm, it was a great day. However, Aska left out a very important part of that day.

**Aska**: Hey, what—

**Pf47**: She forgot to mention that Flame-back and a few of his buddies decided to fill Aska and Cody's delicious raspberry pie with a vinegar and baking soda capsule, just for kicks. So when they broke their pie to eat, the pie exploded, and raspberry pie went everywhere.

**Aska**: Peregrine! I thought you weren't going to—

**Pf47**: I still remember. It took you, like, three days to completely clean your feathers. And even after that, your feathers still looked purplish for a few weeks.

(Pf47 and Flame-back crack up laughing)

(Aska's face turns red, and she pouts)

**Aska**: I hated that! I still can't believe you would do something like that, Flame-back. C'mon, guys, stop laughing!

(Pf47 and Flame-back ignore her and continue laughing)

(Aska bursts into tears and flies out of the room)

**Flame-back**: Poor girl. Yeah, that was probably the funniest prank I've ever played on somebird else. But it did ruin her wedding…

(Flame-back flies out of the room to console Aska)

**Pf47**: Huh. He's actually going to apologize to her. Speaking of Flame-back, there's a story about him, too. This took place several months after the wedding and exploding raspberry pie, so in a sense, I think this was revenge.

Here's a bit of background information. It was high summer in Stone-run Forest. The Flying Willowleaf Theater had returned to the Bluewingle tribe for the first time since Aska's wedding—and the events that happened during it. This time, however, the theater had an extra member: a pretty, young female cardinal named Josephine. Needless to say, Flame-back, who was single at the time, immediately took to liking the young cardinal. Unfortunately, the theater didn't stay with the Bluewingle tribe forever. Eventually they had to leave, and Josephine followed them. Poor Flame-back was heartbroken for several days after, and continued to miss his one true love.

About two weeks after Josephine left, Flame-back woke up one morning to find this note stuck near his perch:

_Congratulations, Flame-back! You are a new father!_

_Aska and I have just heard some news from the Flying Willowleaf Theater. Josephine had actually laid a brood of three eggs several days after she left us. Now, two of those eggs have hatched. There is one male chick and one female chick, and they're both healthy. The third egg hasn't hatched yet, but Josephine says it's about to._

_Again, congrats on being a new dad, Flame-back! Now I wish we had our own chicks…_

_~Cody_

**Pf47**: Flame-back freaked out after reading the note. For the moment, he couldn't believe that he had accidentally fathered a brood of chicks with Josephine, and that he hadn't known until now. He spent the entire day trying to find more information about Josephine and, according to Cody, was actually packing his stuff in order to go after her.

It wasn't until the end of the day that Cody and Aska went to Flame-back to tell him that he just got tricked, big time. It seemed that the couple laughed for about three seconds before Flame-back chased them out of his tree, embarrassed and humiliated.

Cody and Aska had intended to do the prank on April 1st, which we know as April Fool's Day. The problem was that Aska's wedding was in May. They'd have to wait a year for the prank, at which point Flame-back would probably have forgotten about the exploding raspberry pie.

(Pf47 turns to see a blue-jay doubled over, laughing his tiny head off)

**Cody**: Falcon, that story gets funnier every time you tell it.

**Pf47**: Why, thank you for commending my storytelling skills.

In my opinion, Cody's prank is probably the best prank you could play on a guy friend of yours, whether he's a bird or a human. Remember, this prank will only work if your guy friend has recently broken up with his girlfriend/bird. If he's a bird, wait a few weeks, then write a note like the one Cody wrote to Flame-back and send it to your guy friend. If he's a human, wait nine to ten months, and do the same. Or, if you're lazy, send an "It's a boy/girl!" card to your friend.

(Flame-back returns to the room just as Pf47 makes his comment about the card)

**Flame-back**: What was it you said about a card?

**Cody**: Oh, nothing, Flame-back.

(Flame-back looks around suspiciously, but is interrupted by Aska returning to the room)

**Aska**: Cody! You're finally here! Where have you been? You missed out on our little party.

**Cody**: I just got caught up with some business back at the tree.

**Flame-back**: Yeah, right. Business.

(Pf47 shakes his head, still bewildered that the characters of Swordbird had suddenly appeared in his bedroom)

**Pf47**: This is taking too long. That's enough romantic stuff—

**Aska**: Aww, but why? Don't you all love romance?

(Aska cuddles up next to Cody)

**Pf47**: Well, we've talked about your love life for quite some time now. I think we should move on to some other aspects of your life, Aska. Because I think you could represent all of the Bluewingle and Sunrise tribes for your eager fans.

(Aska blushes a deep red color)


	4. Swordbird Q&A

**Pf47**: So then. A lot of Swordbird fans keep asking similar questions over and over again about the book. I've compiled a list of those questions, and I have it with me right now. How about an impromptu interview, guys?

**Aska**: That sounds great! I'm all for it.

**Flame-back**: Wait a minute. I thought Larry King from CNN was supposed to do all the interviewing.

**Pf47**: Yeah, well, the old guy is too busy with other celebrities to even consider you guys. Besides, this is "Swordbird Parodies", not "Larry King Live".

Alright, let's start. Question #1: How come you guys say "somebird" and not "someone"?

**Aska**: Well, isn't that proper grammar?

**Pf47**: Uhh…not really.

**Cody**: That's just how we speak. You humans say "someone" or "somebody" when you're referring to another random person. We say "somebird" when we're referring to a random bird.

**Flame-back**: It's a contextual and cultural difference in language.

**Pf47**: Hmm. Interesting.

Question #2: Why don't you guys migrate during the winter?

**Flame-back**: I don't see why the Sunrise tribe has to. I mean, we're pretty warm during the winter.

**Aska**: Some blue-jays do migrate, but our tribe likes to stay here during the winter. It's too much of a hassle to move all at once.

**Pf47**: Ducks, geese, and other migratory birds don't seem to have a problem moving in large groups.

**Cody**: Well that's because they're…well…they're ducks and geese.

**Pf47**: Alright.

Question #3: What are the ten things that annoy Aska the most?

**Aska**: What kind of a question is that?

**Cody**: A good type of question, Aska. How about I answer this one for you?

**Aska**: Wait, hold on, what—

**Cody**: Here are the top ten things that annoy Aska the most, organized in an ordered list.

#10: Lord Turnatt.

#9: Having to go through the trouble of summoning the Swordbird in order to defeat Turnatt.

#8: Lord Turnatt's lieutenants, Bug-eye, Slime-beak, and Flea-screech.

#7: Lord Turnatt's spy/assassin, Shadow ("There's something about him. I can just tell." ~Aska).

#6: People and birds who over-complain about their mild allergies.

#5: Flame-back and his infamous prank.

#4: Leroy Jenkins ("What kind of person or bird would rush into war screaming, 'Leeeeroooooy Jeeeeeenkiiiiiins!', as if it were all a game?" ~Aska).

#3: A group of fledglings that almost destroyed a Leasorn gem by playing catch with it.

#2: Lord Turnatt's bad habit of tapping his eye patch.

And #1…I don't know, I'll think of something.

**Aska**: I know what the number one most annoying thing for me is: Cody.

**Cody**: Aww, thanks Aska. That makes my list all the more accurate.

(Aska playfully wing swipes Cody)

(the two crack up laughing)

**Pf47**: I have to say, Cody, you really are the showman. I mean, showbird.

**Flame-back**: Hey! I thought I had that role.

**Pf47**: Yeah, sorry, Cody just knocked you off your pedestal.

**Flame-back**: What…

**Pf47**: Moving on.

Here's the final question—

**Aska**: That's it? Four questions? You must be terrible at organizing lists.

**Pf47**: Uh, no. For your information, there were several questions that I deemed unsuitable for this Fanfic. This is rated K+, you know.

**Cody**: What kind of questions, exactly?

**Flame-back**: As far as I could tell, some of them—

**Pf47**: Ahem, the fourth question. How did Stone-run Forest get its name?

(long pause)

**Aska**: We aren't too sure.

**Pf47**: Seriously? No idea whatsoever?

**Flame-back**: Hey, the forest was named a long time ago. No bird, at least none alive today, remembers where its name originated from.

**Cody**: C'mon, don't ask us something like that. I doubt you know how your hometown got its name.

**Pf47**: As a matter of fact, I do.

The great city of Portland, Oregon was first named by Lewis and Clark, I think. It might have been them or someone else, I dunno. Anyway, the two choices for the city's name were Portland and Boston. The early pioneers had a habit of naming cities in the west after cities along the east coast. So, Portland could have been named after Portland, Maine, or Boston, Massachusetts.

I guess Lewis and Clark were lazy, because the way they decided the city's name was by—get this—a coin toss. That's right. It was fate itself, and the 50-50 probability of the toss, that ultimately gave Portland, Oregon its name. We could have easily been named Boston, Oregon.

**Cody**: No way! That's got to be an urban legend or something.

**Pf47**: I'm pretty sure it's true. I think. Yeah, you might have a point about it being a myth, but all my sources say that's how Portland was named.

**Aska**: You keep mentioning your "sources". Care to tell us who they are?

**Pf47**: I'm not allowed to disclose that information.

**Aska**: What!? You come on to Fanfiction and mouth off about us all you want, yet you're not going to tell us some of your personal information?

**Pf47**: Why should I? There's a reason it's personal information.

Anyway, this concludes our impromptu interview with the cast of Swordbird.

**Aska**: I can't believe it's over already.

**Pf47**: It has to end because I have other things about Swordbird that I need to talk about.

**Aska**: And we aren't included? Gosh, Peregrine, you're so unfair.

(Aska pouts and flies out of the room in a huff)

**Cody**: Oh please, Aska…

(Cody follows her)

(long pause)

**Flame-back**: I'm hungry. I think I'll go get something to eat.

**Pf47**: You better not eat out of my fridge.

**Flame-back**: Don't worry. I hate frozen food anyway.

(Flame-back flies out of the room)

**Pf47**: Finally. I can actually speak now without those birds interrupting me.


	5. Bonus Chapter

**Aska**: Hey. I'm Aska, as you probably know. Peregrinefalcon47 was about to continue with his little "parody", but I've got a story so much better than his excuse for comedy.

This story is about Peregrine's deep affection for a certain girl. Yes, you might think I'm obsessed with romance, but just bear with me, because this story is interesting. You see, Peregrine's first love was not for another peregrine falcon, but for a gyrfalcon.

A gyrfalcon.

Her name was Frea. Peregrine met her while he was roaming the northern regions of the world. Don't ask me what he was doing in the arctic, because I don't know.

Frea was a big gyrfalcon, but then most female birds of prey are like that. Raptors have what's called "reverse sexual dimorphism", where the female is often larger in size and weight than the male. (It's the technical biology term, alright? It's not implying any adult themes.) How that appealed to Peregrine remains a mystery to me, as do most birds of prey (Lord Turnatt included). Anyway, she was completely white, save for a few spots of black on her wings and chest. I guess she had to be if she lived in the arctic all her life.

From what I hear, Peregrine and Frea struck up a decent relationship. Isn't this ironic? Peregrine was mentioning Miltin and I as another strange aspect of Swordbird, when he himself was pairing with a gyrfalcon. I can imagine a blue-jay and robin couple, but a peregrine falcon and a gyrfalcon? That's a bit far-fetched…

Anyway. Their relationship came to a sudden, screeching halt with one specific incident. They were flying together one night under a clear sky. Apparently, there were these "northern lights" that were shining in the sky, and according to the gyrfalcons, the appearance of these lights signaled the most romantic part of the year, kind of the like the humans' "Valentine's Day".

Peregrine was flying a few feet above Frea when he hit a strong gust of wind. Out of reflex, he dove down and accidentally slammed into Frea's lower back. Peregrine saw it as an accident, but Frea didn't. She saw it as an unusually intimate touch, and felt deeply violated.

They split right at that moment. I think Frea ended up chasing Peregrine off. To this day, he still claims innocence, but I think Frea had good reason to ditch him.

So. Great story, huh? I told you it was interesting. You can go back to reading "Swordbird Parodies" now, though personally I'd advise not to continue reading that poorly written piece of satire.

**Cody**: Aska, your story can't be true, because it doesn't add up.

**Aska**: What are you talking about? Of course it's true.

**Cody**: Aska, you're saying that Peregrine's a peregrine falcon.

**Aska**: Well, yeah. Why else would he be called "Peregrinefalcon47"?

**Cody**: Aska, Peregrine's a human. "Peregrinefalcon47" is his Fanfiction pen name.

**Aska**: What are you…Wait, what? I don't get it.

(Cody shakes his head in disappointment)

**Cody**: Read on, Swordbird fans. I have to clarify something with Aska first.


	6. The Pitiful Lord Turnatt

(drum roll plays)

**Pf47**: And now, the head honcho of Swordbird, the big boss, the one bird who looks like Jack Sparrow, please welcome…

Lord Turnatt the hawk!

Actually, he isn't here right now. The above welcome is my little transition to the next topic.

Let's begin.

Evil, cruel, malicious, over-confident, and arrogant best describe the antagonist of Swordbird. In the book, Lord Turnatt is building a massive fortress, dubbed "Fortress Glooming". He is building the fortress as a surefire way to gain power and control over Stone-run Forest. He's pretty much what you would expect out of a tyrannical hawk lord.

You would think that everyone, bird and human alike, would absolutely hate a bird like Turnatt. And they have reason to. He's greedy, selfish, and puts self-gain above the general welfare of the group. Kind of reminds me of some bank CEO's of today…

Back to the topic. Despite his bad reputation—or maybe even because of it—there are people out there who don't hate Turnatt, but pity him instead. This may sound insane, but it's true.

There are reasons why some people feel sorry for the hawk:

Reason #1: Lord Turnatt's failed construction project.

Fortress Glooming was never completed. Heck, it never really got off the ground. Turnatt made the mistake of using the woodland birds as slaves to build his enormous fortress. Slaves just don't cut it anymore. First of all, they were outlawed 150 years ago, so Turnatt's project would have been illegal if it were built on American soil. Second of all, they're malnourished, weak, and scared. Third, they can't do anything unless you have a lot of them. (Lord Turnatt only had thirty-eight to start with. That isn't a lot) Those aren't traits you want in a worker.

Who should Turnatt have used if slaves weren't the best option? Well, it's modern day, right? He should have hired a few contractors.

_Lord Turnatt is perched on the edge of a table. Around him are human contractors that he hired to build Fortress Glooming. Spread out on the table is a large blueprint of the structure._

_"Alright," Turnatt yells, "The foundation is completed. Now it's time to set up the skeletal frame of the building. Is that shipment of steel girders here yet?"_

_"I don't believe so, sir," answers a contractor._

_"Then make sure it gets here! And from now on, you answer me as 'your majesty'," Turnatt screams in reply._

_"Alright, your higggghhhhhness," says the contractor sarcastically, dragging out the last word. This earns him a few laughs from his buddies, who don't take Lord Turnatt seriously. (Why would they? He's a bird.)_

_"Enough of your mocking! I'll have you—"_

_"Mr. Turnatt?" says a voice. Turnatt and the contractors turn around to see several men in suits walking toward them._

_"Who are—"_

_"Nice to meet you, Mr. Turnatt," interrupts one of the men. "I am Warren Buffet, CEO of Goldman Sachs Group, Inc. We're here to tell you that the construction for your 'Fortress Glooming' has been halted._

_"We have purchased this plot of land for our newest investment banking office. We apologize for any complications, but the foundations and beginning structure of your building will have to be torn down."_

_Turnatt looks at the men, shock and bewilderment in his eyes. What was going on? Who were these men? And by what right did they have to destroy his property?_

_The man who had spoken earlier turned to the contractors. "Are you men under Mr. Turnatt's employment?"_

_One of the contractors laughs. "Not anymore," he says. "C'mon guys, let's go grab us a few beers."_

_The men in suits and the contractors head to the construction trailer, leaving a confused and panicked Turnatt sitting on the table._

**Pf47**: Unfortunately, there's just no room for a medieval fortress in modern day America. And besides, I'm pretty darn sure that construction workers wouldn't even consider working for a bird, no matter how much the bird offered to pay them.

Reason #2: Lord Turnatt's pathetic excuses for second-in-commands.

**Pf47**: Lord Turnatt has three main lieutenants: Bug-eye, Slime-beak, and Flea-screech the crows. It's beyond me how Turnatt managed to recruit such incompetent leaders. They fear Turnatt so much that they can hardly get any work done. And when they do, they fail miserably 90 percent of the time.

Take the ambush on the Flying Willowleaf Theater, for example. Slime-beak's team of crows, armed with swords, bows, and arrows, was beaten back by unarmed songbirds. The songbirds used anything they could to defend themselves: pots, pans, chairs, even raspberry pies and a giant vat of soup. I doubt the crows could be any more humiliated after that battle. The bad leadership of Slime-beak during that battle only served to make matters worse.

Then again, raspberry pies and giant vats of soup can do massive amounts of damage, especially when used correctly.

_A squad of U.S. marines is hunkered down in a makeshift bunker in the outskirts Islamabad, Pakistan. They are in an intense firefight against Islamist extremists, who have the Americans surrounded. The marines can't hold out much longer._

_Suddenly, they hear a scream of consternation. Peeking out of their barricade, they see an extraordinary sight. A giant flock of birds carrying pies and pots are bombarding the enemy forces. The pies spill masses of fruit and sugar all over the extremists, while the pots are tipped over on top of the terrorists, spilling what appears to be hot, scalding soup all over them. The terrorists try in vain to return fire on the birds, but the birds outnumber the terrorists 20 to 1 and are too agile to hit._

_Eventually, the sound of gunfire dies down. The marines look up to find that all the terrorists have been eliminated. They are either dead or dying, drowned in pie innards and hot soup. One of the birds from the attack force lands in front of the lead sergeant._

_"So, how did we do?" asks the bird._

_The sergeant can't help but smile. "You guys got here in the nick of time," he replies, relieved—and amazed—that his men were saved by a giant flock of birds._

**Pf47**: Seems like Turnatt's crows aren't the only ones who've been humiliated by pie tossing, soup dumping birds.

The main point is this. If Lord Turnatt really wanted to take over Stone-run Forest, he should have selected better lieutenants to help him with the task.

Reason #3: Lord Turnatt's complete isolation.

**Pf47**: Hasn't anyone noticed that Lord Turnatt is the _only_ hawk in Stone-run Forest? The _only_ one? He can't be the only one, surely. But there's no evidence in the book that states the existence of any other hawks. The closest things to it are the golden eagles of Sword Mountain. (Sword Mountain is a tall mountain that is home to the kingdom of the golden eagles in Sword Quest. I might explain more on it if the need arises.)

Turnatt must be so lonely. Perhaps that's what drove him to build Fortress Glooming.

I've done some digging of my own into Turnatt's predicament. I came up with a few early archives of the younger Turnatt. Apparently, there were once hawks in the Swordbird world, though how and why they disappeared remains unknown. What I do know is that, when the other hawks were still here, Turnatt once had something of a romantic relationship with a female hawk.

This, of course, would lead to the speculation that the disappearance of Turnatt's girl caused his mad want for power. I guess that's a pretty solid argument on why Turnatt would try taking over Stone-run Forest.

So is that the true reason why? Is his destroyed love life the reason Lord Turnatt tried, in vain, to enslave the birds of Stone-run Forest to build his massive fortress?

**Turnatt**: No it isn't.

**Pf47**: What in the name of—

(Turnatt leaps onto Pf47 in one bound, whips out a dagger, and holds it to the shocked human's throat)

(Turnatt smiles cruelly)

**Turnatt**: Care to tell me what you are doing, human?

**Pf47**: Argh! Get off me, you freaking hawk!

(the human and hawk struggle for a few minutes, Pf47 trying to throw Turnatt off, and Turnatt trying to slit Pf47's throat)

(suddenly, Pf47 throws Turnatt off him and grabs something nearby)

(there's the sound of a gun being cocked)

**Pf47**: Don't you _dare_ come closer, you hear!?

(Turnatt cocks an eyebrow)

**Turnatt**: That toy won't scare me, human.

**Pf47**: Oh, it should. This is a 0.24 caliber, 6 millimeter pistol, and I'm not afraid to use it!

**Turnatt**: And—

**Pf47**: It's loaded.

(Turnatt stares at Pf47)

**Pf47**: With 6 millimeter pellets.

(Turnatt continues to stare at Pf47)

**Pf47**: Okay, this is an airsoft gun, alright?

**Turnatt**: You mean a toy gun.

**Pf47**: But I'll still shoot you! It might not look like it, but this thing is powerful.

**Turnatt**: You can't even go squirrel hunting with that thing.

**Pf47**: What do you know about guns, Turnatt? You're a bird that fights with swords.

(Turnatt laughs)

**Turnatt**: Mine weapon's real. Yours isn't.

**Pf47**: Believe me. I've been to the shooting range. If you come at me, I will shoot you in between the eyes, then in your eyes. Or what remains of them behind that eye patch.

**Turnatt**: That is enough, human! Die!

(Turnatt lunges at Pf47)

(Pf47 fires and hits Turnatt right between the eyes, knocking him unconscious instantly)

(the hawk falls to the floor)

**Pf47**: Like I said. Right between the eyes. Though that was a pretty lucky headshot. Turnatt's a fast hawk.

This is another reason why some people pity Lord Turnatt. Despite his sheer size and strength, he's a pretty bad fighter. He always rushes head first into battle, leaving himself open to attack.

Hmmm. This reminds me of something…

_Turnatt is in a dark dungeon with a bunch of other hawks. Turnatt is looking through a nearby arch into a large, dark room. Behind him, the leader of the hawk team is briefing the group._

_"Okay guys," says the hawk leader, "getting these woodbird eggs has given us a lot of trouble in the past. Do any of you need an egg, or can we bypass this place?"_

_"I think Turnatt needs an egg," says a tan colored hawk._

_"Oh, but doesn't he have that mithril hammer and sword already? I thought he didn't need anything else," replies the hawk leader._

_"He wants a new regeneration ring and some extra mana. He says that'll help him with healing in battles," the tan hawk says._

_The hawk leader sighs wearily. "God. Alright, here's what we'll do. I'll fly in first and let loose a hawk cry so that the birds will scatter. That way we won't have to fight a whole bunch of them at once. When I've finished, I need Trista," the leader motions toward a female hawk, "to scream. When she's done, I want you to do the same," the leader says, pointing at the tan hawk._

_"Uh, archers, you're gonna have to use your pierce bolts to take them down quick. We're vulnerable in such a large group. I think it's a pretty good plan. We should be able to pull it off this time." The hawk leader turns to a smaller, black hawk with an abacus. "Uh, what do you think, Chang? You think you can give us an estimate real quick?"_

_The black hawk fiddles around with his abacus for a few seconds before saying, "Uh, yeah, I've got, uh, about 16.666—repeating, of course—percent of survival."_

_"Well," says the hawk leader, "that's a lot better than we usually do. Uh—"_

_Turnatt suddenly pipes up. "Alright chumps, let's do this." He takes off through the arch into the dark room, sword in talon, screaming, "LEEEEEEROOOOOOOY, JEEEEEEENKIIIIIIIINS!!!!!"_

_There's a moment of silence as Turnatt disappears into the room. Then the hawk leader says, "Oh my god, he just flew in!"_

_The hawk leader flies into the air after Turnatt, the rest of the team hurriedly following. "Oh god, Turnatt, what've you done now? Turnatt? Where in the world are you?" the hawk leader screams into the darkness._

_Turnatt is in the middle of the room, fighting against an enormous flock of woodbirds protecting their eggs and nests. He's oblivious to the fact that he just ruined the team's plan._

_"Turnatt! Stick to the plan, for Christ's sake!" yells the hawk leader. His order goes unheard._

_There's nothing but chaos for the next minute as the hawks desperately fight a flock of hundreds of angry woodbirds._

_Eventually, all the hawks are down, bleeding profusely from numerous cut wounds. The hawk leader is laying next Turnatt. Using his last ounce of energy, the hawk leader turns toward Turnatt._

_"Turnatt, you're the dumbest hawk I've ever met."_

_The injured Turnatt smiles in response and holds up a dead chicken that he killed. "At least I have chicken."_

The strangest part about this? Turnatt was the only one who made it out of there alive. Through his shout, he managed to get the team absolutely massacred by the woodbirds. Yet, in the end, he was the one who escaped. And with a chicken, too.

Still, Lord Turnatt is the worst World of Warcraft player ever.


	7. Final Comments

(Flame-back, Aska, and Cody return to the room)

**Aska**: Huuuuuuhh? Turnatt?

**Cody**: What's he doing here?

(Pf47 shakes his head and shrugs)

**Pf47**: Search me.

**Flame-back**: He's unconscious. Did you…

**Pf47**: Hey, he came for me, alright? I was acting in self defense. Now help me get this oaf out of my room. I need to continue this Fanfic.

(Pf47, Aska, Cody, and Flame-back spend the next few minutes dragging the knocked out Turnatt into the hallway, where he's locked in a closet)

**Pf47**: Whew. That segment with Turnatt had a lot more than I bargained for.

Well, it's getting late. I think it's time to wrap up this Fanfic.

**Aska**: You mean you're running out of ideas to mock us about.

**Pf47**: What? No, Aska, this is not mocking or teasing Swordbird in any way. I'm just writing this to discuss certain…peculiar…aspects of the book.

(Aska rolls her eyes)

**Pf47**: To end this, I'm going to leave you, the reader, with a few questions concerning Swordbird.

**Cody**: Is that a marketing strategy, falcon?

**Pf47**: Marketing strategy? Have you been reading the _Wall Street Journal_ again, Cody?

**Cody**: No. It's just that you're leaving your readers wanting more from future Fanfics. At least, I think so, since you plan on writing "Sword Quest Parodies". In order to do that, you have to create a cliffhanger, like the questions you're about to leave the readers with.

(long pause)

**Cody**: Ummm…

**Flame-back**: You lost us, Cody.

**Pf47**: Well, he can explain later. I need to ask these final questions.

First and foremost. Where in the world is the Swordbird universe?

**Aska**: You said we don't technically exist. Why should our world be in yours?

**Pf47**: I—um—well, I guess you have a point. But still, it'll be interesting to consider the possible places that the Swordbird world could be located. I've started with a few areas below (and yes, half of these places are in China).

-Beijing, China

-Portland, Oregon (not that probable, but I'd love it if they actually were here)

-Anywhere in Florida (the author would love it if this were true)

-Shanghai, China

-Guangzhou, China

-The Himalayas

-Boring, Oregon (this is a REAL place)

-Harbin, China

-ANYWHERE in China

**Pf47**: Yeah, you get the picture.

Here's another question. How do you make acorn tea?

**Aska**: That's our secret recipe.

**Pf47**: Hey, hey, I'm not gonna press the secret stuff. But just think for a minute. How can you make tea—a beverage—out of an acorn, which is the seed of a tree? Acorns are hard on the outside. The only thing on the inside is the acorn meat, which I doubt you can turn into a tea.

**Cody**: There are certain things birds can do that humans can't, falcon.

**Flame-back**: Like make acorn tea.

**Aska**: And fly through the air without needing giant, rusty machines.

**Pf47**: They're called airplanes, okay? At least get the name right.

(Aska scoffs and mutters something about birds and jet engines)

**Pf47**: Third question. The Flying Willowleaf Theater gets around inside a large hot air balloon. Where did they get it, where'd they learn to fly it, and why do they need it when they're birds?

**Lorpil**: I can answer that, if you want.

**Pf47**: Lorpil?

**Flame-back**: Oh jeez. Falcon, you might want to lock up your fridge after all.

(Lorpil belches)

**Lorpil**: Oh. 'Scuse me.

**Flame-back**: Too late.

**Cody**: Is the rest of the theater here, Lorpil?

**Lorpil**: Actually, they aren't. They're rehearsing again for their next performance, but I know my lines well enough already, so I decided to come here.

**Aska**: Mm-hmm. Then don't get your lines wrong.

**Lorpil**: You were asking about our hot air balloon, weren't you? Yeah, I thought so.

We need the hot air balloon to transport all of our stuff. As a theater, we have many things, such as props, instruments, and costumes, not to mention all the mechanical gadgets needed for our shows. For flying the craft, well, Dilby knows all the technical aviation stuff, since most of the time he's the one maintaining the balloon.

As for where we got it, well, we bought it on eBay.

(long pause)

**Pf47**: Why do I have a feeling you guys are doing some underground business in this world?

**Flame-back**: Hey, if anyone's doing anything sneaky, it'd be Cody.

**Cody**: How do you know? I just said I got caught up back at the tree.

(the cardinal and blue-jay glare at each other)

(Aska steps between them)

**Aska**: Now, now, Peregrine needs to finish his Fanfic. He doesn't need you two stirring up trouble.

(Cody and Flame-back grudgingly break their staring contest)

(Aska turns to Pf47)

**Aska**: Ahem. You're welcome.

**Pf47**: Oh, right. Thanks.

And now for the final question for the night. Can the characters of Swordbird speak Chinese?

**Aska**: Why, of course we can!

**Cody**: It's our second language after English.

**Pf47**: Do you think you can say a few lines right now?

**Flame-back**: Um, that's not possible.

**Pf47**: Why not? You just said you can speak Chinese.

(long pause)

**Pf47**: Well?

**Cody**: I hate to break this to you, Peregrine, but your computer can't type Chinese.

**Pf47**: Oh, right! Totally forgot about that! Sorry, my bad. Sometimes I get carried away…

**Aska**: You can say that again…

**Pf47**: Okay then. That wraps up tonight's "Swordbird Parodies". Through this Fanfic, we've talked about the wonders, the horrors, and everything in between about Swordbird. In addition, we had some help from the generous cast of the book. Let's give a round of applause to Aska, Cody, Flame-back, Lorpil, and Lord Turnip—er, I mean, Turnatt!

(round of applause with cheering to boot)

(Aska yawns)

**Aska**: It's getting late. I think we should head home now.

**Pf47**: It was nice talking to you guys.

**Flame-back**: And to you, too. See ya!

(Aska, Cody, Flame-back, and Lorpil fly out of the room)

**Pf47**: Well, thanks to all of you for tuning in to "Swordbird Parodies". I am Peregrinefalcon47, signing out.


	8. What Happened to Turnatt

(several hours later, in a dark closet)

**Turnatt**: Ughh…Where am I?

(there's a snorting sound coming from a large orange cone)

(Turnatt's eyes grow wide in fear)

**Turnatt**: Oh lords! An angry traffic cone!


End file.
